Today in this great country of ours, there is an animal that stalks the face of our land. An animal that'll stop at very little to obtain it's nightly goal. Some women have unjustly classified this animal a Land Shark, along with an assortment of other colorful names. Little do the women of this country realize that these animals have banned together to form a national coalition. I, along with most males above the age of consent, am a proud and very active member. Our covert organization is called American Male Pigs. Our slogan to all other males and future males, is:
Our purpose is to educate the present, and future male populations, so that they might be better able to distinguish between the different types of females and notify all other members of their findings.
Everyone is unique. However, most women can be herded into three basic groups. Those groups are:
Those who do,
Those who don't,
and those who do, that you won't do.
The last group and by far the least important, are those who would do Anything with Anyone that you won't do. These women aren't usually very attractive. They are more often than not, quite heavy. They are NOT desirable. These are the women, who after you've been drinking heavily all night, at 2:00 A.M. still don't look good. You can see them lined up at the exit to every bar, looking quite sad, lonely and pathetic at closing time, hoping and praying to get lucky. Unfortunately this hefty flock is usually good in bed. Logic of course would dictate that they would have to be, or else they know they would NEVER get anything otherwise.
The other type of third class women that aren't usually identified until it's too late, are the "FATAL ATTRACTION" type. They'll do anything you ask, whenever you ask, but in return you unknowingly give up your soul. These are without a doubt the most hazardous of women, and must be immediately identified.
The second section is a strange breed indeed. Those who won't. Won't what, they won't do anything with anyone. We have all met these. Usually stuck up, with an air of conceit, grandiosity and Supreme BITCH all rolled up into one HOT, tight-assed little package. These are not hard to find. Most seem to ooze out of the woodwork. The only purpose we can find for these prudes is to PISS males off. A lot of these women will talk to you, some might actually date you. Beware of these dates!
You buy your date dinner, maybe a show, then when it comes to a kiss good night, they turn into the Ice Queen. Or even better yet...
The date's going fine and you're getting along great. You figure that something must be wrong because everything is going so wonderfully smooth. Finally you make a move. She accepts it. The two of you are getting real cozy. She starts groping places, you follow her lead. She turns things very, very personal. You're all worked up now and feel the time is right. Suddenly she stops you and asks you what kind of a girl you think she is. By now you know. She's a Bitch and a Tease. If she didn't want to do anything she should have said so from the start. She shouldn't have initiated the groping session. It's important to ID these girls as well. So that the appropriate revenge can be sought at a later time.
The lovely young ladies that are everyone's friend are those who DO!
Not much really needs to be said about these delicious delicacies. You could further break down this group into easy, medium, and hard. Either way it means the same thing;
Y E S .
The easy ones are just that, easy. These are usually our first target. Some have to be treated nice. Some have to be intoxicated. While others just do it, you know the type, "No Questions Asked, No Strings Attached, No Guilt Involved, a Sure Thing". It never takes much persuasion with this type. They realize (as well they should) that what they are doing is mutually benefiting.
The medium require a little more work. They might need to be a little more inebriated, or you might have to treat them nicer by taking them to dinner AND a show; (Who says that prostitution isn't legal?) it's just a higher tariff to pay. The most important thing to remember with these tender morsels is:
"Make them THINK you're their FRIEND".
These are the girls that want to be treated with respect and dignity before they commit themselves to anything. These are usually the best bet. Treat them nice a few times, make them feel special, sexy, wonderful and needed. These beauties MUST believe that Making Love' would be nice, but that SEX is the last thing on your mind. Then, because of the way that you previously treated them, combined with the eloquent way that you dumped them, along with the "Friendship" you showed them, assures you that they're still obtainable any later date and time.
The hard ones are to be pursued only by the craftiest of Pigs. The adventure seeker that thrives on the thrill of the chase, knowing that it is truly the chase that he derives his greatest pleasure from, not the capture. After all, capture IS imminent. These women require the most time, effort and money. With the majority of this group, cunning, dishonesty, and planning is the name of the game. Slow but sure is the idea. When their confidence has been won, you can have them mind, body and soul. The time for pay back is at hand. Make them treat you. After they have willingly maxed out all of their plastic on you, and a little more, the time has come to put an end to this little charade.
Tell her that you are going to whisk her away to some enchanted hide-away. Have HER pay for the expensive hotel suite. As you arrive there, tell her that you're going to barricade yourselves inside forever, throw away the key, destroy all articles of clothing that aren't silk, satin, or lace, and make her experience more sensuous, erotic, exotic and pleasurable things than were ever collectively imagined possible. Proceed to keep this one and only promise. After spending a few extra days, to ensure that you have fulfilled your promise, and run up an unpayable tab; get up, shake, rattle, and roll, out the door, leaving behind the distraught, and emotionally shattered shell, of what was once a woman.
Like you'd really care.
One has to be very careful at this point. If a women is identified as one of the "Fatal Attraction" types, relocate, Immediately.
These women usually fall the hardest. They can't understand what THEY did wrong. They'll call and call leaving sad pathetic messages begging for forgiveness, and an infinite number of "just one last chance"'s. It is truly humorous what they will promise just to see you again. Thank God for answering machines.
At times like this a Pig has to be strong, and not give into the temptation of picking up the receiver. If a fellow member does have a lapse, and begins to think with his heart and not his head, there is professional help supplied by the union, free of charge. Said comrade will undergo intense reconditioning. One technique though, is guaranteed to bring him back to his proper positive mental state.
The reminder of what happened the LAST time he was foolish enough to trust one of -THEM.
This final step is excruciatingly painful. No man should have to be subjected to it, but it is a requirement, and it has never failed.
This is is a free public service paper.
Brought to you through the courtesy of all
American Male Pigs.