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Controlling relationships again

Controlling Relationships

Being engaged to a controlling person sometimes causes you to lose

control in every aspect of your life. Passive people like myself usually find

controlling partners. Controlling people like my ex-fiancé usually find passive

partners. We are "perfect" for each other. Being passive, I'm quite happy to

be left alone. I sometimes don't have much to say, and I have to admit I

sometimes can seem to be deaf when you try to discuss problems with me. While

on the other hand a controlling person makes constant demands on their partners.

They have much to say, and they can act like they think they've been elected to

tell everyone else how to live their lives. They are seldom content, and they

seem to resent anyone who is. Since both controlling people and passive people

have poor relationships, they experience a whole lot of loneliness. After a

long while, all of this loneliness adds up and makes them realize they can

survive on their own! Then they can stop trying to change their partner and

simply enjoy them as they are. Unfortunately, both people need to learn from

their loneliness-so they can grow into people who want each other instead of

people who think they need each other.

It is often very hard to end a love relationship even when you know it

is bad for you. A "bad" relationship is not the kind that is going through the

usual periods of disagreement and disenchantment that are inevitable when two

separate people come together. A bad relationship is one that involves

continual frustration; the relationship seems to have potential but that

potential is always just out of reach. In fact, the attachment in such

relationships is to someone who is "unattainable" in the sense that he or she is

committed to someone else, doesn't want a committed relationship, or is

incapable of one. Bad relationships are chronically lacking in what one or both

partners need. Such relationships can destroy self-esteem and prevent those

involved from moving on in their careers or personal lives. They are often

fertile breeding grounds for loneliness, rage, and despair. In bad

relationships the two partners are often on such different wave-lengths that

there is little common ground, little significant communication, and little

enjoyment of each other.

Remaining in a bad relationship not only causes continual stress but may

even be physically harmful. An obvious harm is the physical abuse that is often

a part of such relationships. In a less obvious way, however, the tensions and

chemical changes caused by the constant stress can drain energy and lower

resistance to physical illness. Continuing in such bad relationships can lead

to unhealthily escapes such as alcohol or drug abuse and can even lead to

suicide attempts.

In such relationships, individuals are robbed of several essential

freedoms; the freedom to be the best of themselves in the relationship, the

freedom to love the other person through choice rather than through dependency,

and the freedom to leave a situation that is destructive.

Despite the pain of these relationships, many rational and practical

people find that they are unable to leave, even though they know the

relationship is bad for them. One part of them wants out but a seemingly

stronger part refuses or feels helpless to take any action. It is in this sense

that the relationships are "addictive."

There are several factors that can influence your decision to remain in

a bad and controlling relationship. At the most superficial level are practical

considerations such as financial entanglement, shared living quarters, potential

impact on children, feared disapproval from others, and possible disruption in

academic performance or career plans.

At a deeper level are the beliefs you hold about relationships in

general, about this specific relationship, and about yourself. These beliefs

may take the form of learned social messages such as "You are a failure if you

end a relationship," "Being alone is terrible," "I'll never find anyone else,"

"I'm not attractive or interesting enough," or "If I work hard enough I should

be able to save this relationship."

To end this never ending cycle of a controlling relationship make your

recovery the first priority in your life. Become selfish by focusing on getting

your own needs met more effectively. Learn to stop being managed or controlled

by others; by being more focused on your own needs, you will no longer need to

seek security by trying to make others change. Find a support group of friends

who understand and will listen. Forget the broken engagement and share with

others what you have experienced and learned, even if it is your Critical

Thinking Essay Paper.

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